Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Drumroll please...

For all the ladies out there...
Im gonna name my wang 'Anesthesia'...
cuz when its in you,
you dont feel a thing...

buh dum dum...

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Who's Underwear is Under There

When I first heard UnderArmour™ I thought it was some kind of brief with padding in the balls area, not some tight shirt. I was thinking about this one day a cpl yrs back and thought about the underwear i used to wear as a kid and the underwear i wear now (on those days where I do wear underwear).

Why do little kids get to wear awesome underwear and we adults are stuck wearing these boring ass plain underwear. We get boxers or briefs in regular colors. At least girls have some variety in their choices - boxers, boxer-briefs, briefs, grandma panties, thongs, g-strings, assless chaps, etc.

The time for the listless cotton oppression of my genitals must end... I want to wear those cool underwears that I had as a kid... with Spiderman... or He-man... or Superman... or your mom's face, on it. Those were the good old days. Just because I'm not a kid anymore, doesn't mean I can't appreciate having a superhero on my jock, literally.

Then again... when I was a kid I didn't have to worry about whether or not getting a boner and having a half-mast stiffy firmly pressing against Skeletor's face would make me feel gay...

Shit... I didn't think about this possibility. But I'm also not about to let my dream of wearing superhero underwear again fall by the wayside. Not this easily. OK. OK... what if - I wear... WONDERWOMAN UNDERWEAR! That's even gayer isn't it. Well fuck me gently.

OK, the plan is on hiatus for now... but not laid to rest. We'll figure this out people. Until then, I'll try to find some Lucas. It's delicious. And a staple in the barrio. Act like you know son.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My New Tattoos!

Sup Howdy Bloggerythmics!

Now I've always been a huge fan of tattoos. They look super hot on chicks, and super cool on guys - if done right. Of course no amount of detail, good coloring, or placement can save a tattoo done in poor taste. Fortunately the tattoos at hand got taste coming outta their ass like they were the dish that just won Iron Chef.

Again, I've always wanted tattoos... but I wanted to make sure they really meant something to me, and would always remain dear to my heart. I wanted something that touched upon my many cultures, my life experiences, who my family and friends are, and ultimately who I am - not to mention what I'm about. It's been a long time coming, as I've wanted them since middle school. I've spent decades pondering these issues and trying to find the perfect tattoo design(s). If you don't know what you want, you're not ready to get a tattoo!

That's why I'm proud to announce that I finally popped my ink cherry and got some wicked sick tattoos. Note: My skin looks really white, pasty, and untanned in these photos - fear not, I don't have that Michael Jackson skin disease where you keep getting whiter. It's just the really strong lighting that make it appear that way. I mean there were so many paparazzi there with so many flash bulbs I felt like white fireworks were going off in the room.

And now, TADA! On to the pictures!


Ka-Blamo! What's the coolest thing on earth? ICE!! That's why they call me Mr. Cool Ice. It has to say Mr. Cool Ice, cuz if it just said Mr. Cool you'd be like ok but thats kind of boring. Also Snoopy did some shit like that and I gotta 110% original, bitch. And if it just said Mr. Ice, you'd be like what's that? Do you pave snowy driveways? Dip your balls in my beverage to make it cold and refreshing? "Mr. Cool AS Ice" would just be a little too long, and too grammatically correct... which is quite the opposite of cool.

Now, of course the skeleton and many skulls with sunglasses also scream COOL ICE! Of course they do silly goose, that's the point! Why are there cracks in the skeleton man's skull? I dunno, maybe hes so cool that he's starting crack, htf should I know, wanna fight about it? And then it says ICE everywhere in case you forgot JUST HOW COOL I am.

Not enough sunglassed skulls for your taste? Worry not, my sweet little enchiladas... I also had them tat another one on the tip of my johnson. It's pretty awesome, now it's like I have a 2" battering ram with a cool-guy skull at the end. For good measure, I tatted sunglasses over my balls as well.


Now you're probably like, "Holy Shit, I jizzed in my pants at the mere sight of your frontal ink and you got work done on the back too? Fuck, that looks so bad ass I just shat AND pissed myself at the same time in a whirlwind of envy!" You might also be like, "No, it can't be... coolness overload!" Yea that's right... those are sunglasses tatted on the back of my head. Cuz every cool guy worth his popularity in salt wears sunglasses in the back when he needs a quick boost in awesome-points... but only the baddest of the ass (yea I said baddest of the ass) can wear sunglasses MADE OF INK!

I feel kind of sorry for Kumar in the background getting some ink done. You can probably tell by the look on his face what he's thinking. He was saying, "FUCK ME! Why did I have to start getting inked AFTER I saw your design!?!?! I should have waited so I could have tattoos as bad ass as yours!" I don't blame him, but the porno / hentai version of the Vishnu he ended up getting on his back was all right too, I guess.

Anyways, I'm excited to have been able to share my awesome new tattoos with you all! I gotta go now though, Rite Aid wants to talk to me about my interest in some kind of possible advertising work in their frozen section, whatever that's about.

-Nak signing out, I mean... Mr. COOL ICE!!! Meltin' on outta here!!! Aaahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm so fuckin awesome it hurts.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Complain Train - Kiss My Caboose

So I've been on the complain train lately, with my latest post about how the Spork is gettin no love. Well come on ride it, c'mon ride the train. Today I'm going to talk about someone who has fallen off the face of the earth, but never deserved to be on it in the first place. I hope he ended on the ass of the earth in fact, and by the look of it, his face may very well be the ass of the earth.

I'm talking about Mickey Fucking Avalon. I mean, for fuck's sake... I don't even know what to say. I've heard multiple women talk about this guy being hot, and it's kind of gross. I mean, here:

If ingrown hairs and body and face acne turn you on, I guess I can see it... But if you ask me that's just fucking nasty.

I mean, if you can genuinely be turned on by the thought of looking down between your legs and seeing this guy down there, well congratulations. You probably already had crabs and the clap, now you have Herpes too. But that probably also turns you on.

Hi, I'm "Domestic Abuse Raggedy Anne" and I want to give you an STD cocktail!

On top of that, he has a song called "My Dick"... I won't go into anymore detail than to say the lyrics of the song are about -10% true. I remember seeing this Boost mobile commercial with some real hip-hop artists in it - Jermaine Dupri and Young Jeezy, and then all of the sudden they bring in Mickey Fucking Avalon as if he fits the gangster rapper mold. To top it off, he looks gayer and more non-hip-hop than anyone ever could have made him look if they were actually trying. It was really something else. Here's the video:

Oh, hold on someone is knocking at the door.

(Hello Satan... oh sorry Mickey... I... thought you were someone else)
Hey guys, look... I gotta go. There's someone at the door and he's mad. He's also wearing makeup, smells of B.O., has dirty long red hair, has no shirt on to hide his feminine torso, and is wearing tight jeans sagged down to his worm. I'll catch up with you guys later.

I Ain't a Hater Like You, So Bow Down to a Utensil That's Greater Than You

You know, I feel like there's a bigtime underground player out there that doesn't get the love and respect he deserves. Once a major player on the field, topping the charts, piling up the stats, being talked about at the water cooler and in social circles amongst the youth. It's time to revive this bad boy from the dead...

You're probably thinking you know where I'm going,
You: "oh yea man, Tupac been down for years."
Nak: "Nawwww son."
You: "Aww shii... Notorious B.I.G.!"
Nak: "Naw duuu... I'm talking bout the mothafuckin' SPORK bitch."

That's right, the spork. You know everybody who was ANYBODY was eating their lunch with a spork back in elementary and middle school. All those zealous campers who wanted the power of two utensils in one sleek, shiny, can't-fuck-with-me utensil knew what was up.

If you aren't in the know with the spork, first slap yourself in the face. No harder, you deserve worse for your ignorance. OK, now educate yourself bitches:

Do I need to draw you a picture? Here...
(P.S. Pay no attention to the sausage-fingered toolbox who is holding the spork. He probably doesn't even deserve to hold a spork, but there's nothing I can do to stop him because I don't know wtf he is, the picture has already been taken, and he may be halfway to Germany by now for all I know. Just give it up, OK? It's too late now)

In conclusion, the spork is poised to run the mothafuckin' game from here on out. So fuck non-spork utensils as a staff, record-label, AND as a muthafuckin' crew... and if you wanna be down with non-spork utensils, fuck you too. Regular fork... fuck you too... Spoon and knife, fuck you too... fuck all yall muthafuckaz... my 44 make sure all yo' utensils dont grow. You motherfuckers cant be us or see us. We fucking thug spork riders, spork-side till we die!

Él Fín.

Saturday, December 06, 2008


_X_ Alive
___ Dead

Monday, March 10, 2008

No More Riding the Bus to the Old Member's Only™ Warehouse

Hola my Wesley Willis' - what's crackin? What's crackalackin? What's Lackacrackin? ... good day to you, sirs... How have you been since my last post?

Well that was... more of a rhetorical question, but...
I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sure that it's just like ... a temporary heat rash or something and will go away soon. Just to be safe though, you should tell that girl from the bar last night about it so you're on the same page there.

Anyway, I have wonderful news for all my fans. No longer does the Nak have to take public transportation to his photo shoots! You got that right. Next time a homeless guy is caught masturbating on the Metro bus, I won't be there to see it. By saving up the money I've made from 310 Photography, doing catalog work, fashion runway work, my latest motion picture appearance in Pepé's Cinco (and NOT gay porn), I was able to buy a new car.

Here's a poor quality picture of it. It's in poor lighting, is a bit grainy and looks like it was edited with Mattel's version of "My First Photoshop" or something, but hey... at least it's not gay porn.

You can see more about them here. I got the 3.5 SE

Perhaps now I can draw the attention of young women at shopping malls and such... instead of only drawing the attention of old hispanic men on the freeway on-ramp, who look like my grandpa but with a bushy mustache and are trying to sell me oranges, or roses, or oranges and roses, unless they're all sold out - in which case they are trying to sell me colorful rugs with old Looney Toones® characters on them.

Anyways I'm so excited about it that I thought I would share. Once I paint some decals and graphics on there - like a moon-walking Michael Jackson, a full-color Sonic the Hedgehog, some corporate logos (like the ads on those NASCAR rides), gay porn starring Mickey Avalon (because that's what he's all about), pink flames, my face in technicolor, and an airbrushed lesbian sex-scene on the hood - I'll be ready to hit the streets and some mailboxes and light-poles (cuz I'm half asian).

If you don't see another blog post from me by no later than Friday... just wait longer. See you next time.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

310 PHOTOGRAPHY (dot com)

By now you should know that I'm a male model and that I do my little thing on the catwalk... if you don't, then you haven't been reading my blog at all, or ever, not even once, and you should die a horrible horrible death. If you have, then please kill that asshole next to you that I was referring to in the previous sentence, then read on.

Today I'm blogging in a karate outfit. That's called a "gi" if you are just too ignant and don't know. Or maybe you just choose not to know because you hate "Orientals" and their slanty eyes, dragging feet, large spoiler adorned rice-rockets, thousands of fluffy stuffed animals often found smashed up against the rear windows of said rice-rockets, daily SAT study classes, Tag Heuer watches, dishwashers that are only used for drying dishes, anime, chopsticks, lychee flavored candies and jellies, boba, tiger balm, korean dramas, karaoke, bowl cuts / feathered hair / red highlights, hello kitty, cell-phone charms, long bangs, peace signs in pictures, etc.

... If that's the case then you're racist and I being an asian, and associating with all of those things, am offended. But that is neither here nor there.

The point of this post is to introduce you, my readership base, to 310 photography. All 3 of you.

310 Photography is the new hotness, ruining more young women's panties than TigerBeat and I felt obliged to let you know. Forged in the hot coals of the old members only warehouse, it was founded by the top male models of the millenium - Chastel and The Nak™.

Here is a photo of them from a photo Op from a recent movie they shot together -

Yea it's kind of a gay picture, but this IS male modeling we're talking about here. Such artistry cannot be defined, confined, or restricted by the shackles of discrete sexuality or narrow mindedness. Women want them and men want to be them... and uhhh, dogs and cats and other pets want them to be their masters.

While I'm hardly ever serious, I am serious when I say that this is a quality shindig and 310 is very into what they do. Now I wouldn't believe anything the nak says without some fact-checking either, but you can check out some sample work at the website (it will be up soon if you just visited it immediately after this blog was posted and it was under construction) -

310 PHOTOGRAPHY - Serving the South Bay and the Globe

You can find them on ModelMayhem also, if you want.
Model Mayhem

Thanks for visiting and come back soon!

Also feel free to email any nude, risque photos of yourself to nak@310photography.com.

I'm just kidding... unless you're gonna do it.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Actor / Model
(And Not The Other Way Around)

Sup Howdy Kentucky Fried Chikadeez,

Now for the few of you have been reading my blog since 2004, you know that I took home male model of the year three times, being unseated by Chastel back in '02... Well I just want you to know that just because I haven't been consistently dropping blogs over Baghdad doesn't mean I stopped being really, really, ridiculously good looking. I didn't stop posing in front of shuttering cameras either. I have however started prancing about in front of rolling cameras (The ones with the actual hand crank on the side because I'm talking such low budget flicks here that I was getting paid in food stamps and tic-tacs).

I have to go to the bathroom right now, but I'd love to continue talking about this conversation when I get back
Ok I'm back. I thought I'd share my latest work with you guys. I recently had shoulder surgery, so I wasn't able to do any sports or action shoots after that, but I was still able to find work.

Here is my first appearance in an action motion picture. I did it at the end of 2007, just before my shoulder surgery, so I could do my own stunts (and super wicked dance moves).

It was a Made-For-TV, B-list knockoff of Ocean's Eleven, filmed by Director Beto Juarez Estavez III.

They originally had pegged Antonio Banderas as their first choice but they couldn't get him. I ended up with the gig after their 32nd choice fell through and I begged them to give me the work cuz I needed the money to feed my addiction to faberge eggs.

It is also worth noting that Edward James Olmos, Selma Hayek, John Leguizamo, Wilmer Valderrama and Danny Trejo all were contacted to audition, but threatened to sue if their names were, in any way shape or form, tied to the making of this film... except John Leguizamo. He came in and auditioned and begged for a role as badly as I did, but he was told he "wasn't what they were looking for". I felt bad for him, so I bought him some beers at the local Tijuana donkey show and we've been carnales ever since.

This one was called Pepé's Cinco... (The premise is that Pepé couldn't afford 11 like Danny Ocean could, so he was gonna try to do the job with just 5). The others were part of his gardening business, but also had skills conducive to heisting, plotting, robbing, and shenanigans in general.

In this movie Pepé assembles a ragtag group of con-artists/jardineros to rob El Banco De Mejico...

Here are Pepé's supporting cast in his bank heist (L to R)-

Gustavo, "the accountant". Gustavo is good with numbers and his precision is used to calculate the intricate timing used to rob the bank - from the time the '88 nissan pickup rolls up to the bank and the crew jumps out from beneath the decoy gardening equipment to the time the cast tries to outrun the federales.

El Nak Dulce, the sweet talking con-man. Nak Dulce sweet talks the bank tellers into tours of the money vault, the cigar humidors and the room where they make all the useless trinkets that are sold on the street flea-markets of Tijuana and Rosarito. He also creates distractions later on in the plot by catching the eye of a flaming gay security guard with ballet not unlike that seen in the nutcracker, but also breakdancing reminiscent of Electric Boogaloo 2.

Suk Mi, "El Chino Cochino". Mr. Mi is a ruthless organized crime ring-leader, who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty to get the job done. Mr. Mi supplies most of the arsenal and also sets up the explosives used to blow open the door to the Peso repository. Also, for some reason Mr. Mi appears to be chinese or something, despite being "101% Mexican" as he states in the film.

Raindeer Wolfram, Digital Systems Expert. Raindeer is responsible for overriding the computer systems and security cameras (which at El Banco de Mejico is merely a webcam attached to an old Apple II E. For some reason, in a number of scenes, the Apple II E is used by El Presidente to play 'Oregon Trail' when it's not being used for security purposes)

Enter Pepé. Standing tall at 5'4" the fearless gardener syncs fake rolex's with his team and the mission begins.

El Presidente del Banco, the evil "Diablo Larco" then tries to thwart Pepé's plans.
He calls in his bodyguards and while Raindeer is busy cutting the power to the building, Nak Dulce and Suk Mi break into song and dance to distract the hired goons. The performance by this powerful duo is one to draw envy from such hits as High-School-Musical. Below is a shot from the dance scene that puts all Bollywood movies to shame.

The film starts out as a serious bank-robbing action thriller, but quickly degrades into a slapstick comedy. Shortly thereafter a guy in a bee-suit steals the show and before you know it the movie is over. As it turns out, that guy ended up getting most of the royalties... son of a bitch.

I'm gonna get you Rigoberto... I swear. I'll find you, hunt you down, and take what is rightfully mine...

But I digress. It's really a great flick, you should check it out sometime... However, you'd have to drive across the border because none of the American stations would pick it up... not even FOX.

Sí you next time. Alrato!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I <3 New Jersey

People say New Jersey is America's armpit, but I don't think so. I love New Jersey. It's because the people there are so different. We have beaches here, while they just have "the shore" (more frequently pronounced "Da Shoah"). Also because New Jerseyans hate it that people think they either look like Bon Jovi, or Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, even though everyone in New jersey either looks like Bon Jovi, or Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Check out New Jersey's finest here, up in the club.

Now I know what you're thinking, "They all have the same fucking haircut!" Well, that may be true, but that just means they're all that cool. Here's another picture in case you still don't believe.

Another great thing about New Jerseyans is that they love their movies. And I don't mean like, oh I went and saw some movies and they were cool. None of that weak L.A. shit that goes on out here. They LIVE that shit.

Check out these guys who liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so god damned much, that they actually LIVE that shit -

I don't care what you say, nobody on the west coast has the balls to go THAT far to prove their fandom, even if it is a movie intended for a younger audience.

You know, I can't really even do NJ justice, so I think you just need to take it from my buddy who lives there. Here's a video of him... consider it like "A Day in the Life Of" or something.

That's about it. I think by now you realize how every state in America pales in comparison to good ole' Jersey (Joizee). Viva la Brick City!

P.S. I'm pretty sure this guy lives in NJ too -